Chapter 3 of Local Boy, A United the Kingdoms Run
Here follows Chapter 3 of Local Boy Makes Emperor, A United the Kingdoms Steam Achievement playthrough for Crusader Kings 2.
At the end of Chapter 2 of Local Boy the brilliant Queen Rhiannon died of old age during the war to vassalise Northumbria. The electors of Brythoniaid choose her son Uthyr to follow her. So it falls to Uthyr to finish the war she started. And also the great dynastic effort to make the United the Kingdoms Steam achievement passes to Uthyr.
For the Rhiannon story in Chapter 2 click here.
King Uthyr ‘The Noble’ of Brythoniaid
October 834 AD – Orientation
My mother Queen Rhiannon has died. Although she chose my kinsman Iorwerth to be king after her the electors of Brythoniaid have chosen me instead. As of course they should as it is mine rightfully as her son.
There is some war on for Northumbria but it is mostly won and I have other more important concerns. I will leave that matter to my generals.
Slimming the Demesne
Not being the genius that my mother was, her demesne is too vast for me to manage so I want to off load a duchy on someone. To this end I have invited a distant kinsman, Awst, in the Isle of Mann to return to Brythoniaid. I intend to give him my old title of Duke of Gwynedd and its dependent titles. Incidentally he has a claim on the Isle of Man that I might press later.
Groom an Heir Ambition
The other larger concern is to get a heir. I am 39 years old and all I have is an inbred bastard which my kinsman wife made with her brother. Needless to say I will not be legitimising that filth.
The pope, incredibly, continues to deny me a divorce with my wife, even though she is a homosexual, well past child bearing age and worst of all really quite hideous to look at. Oh and did I mention she cucked me with her brother?!
I like a fight, and though I might be a bit fat now I was quite the duelist in my youth. I have yet to kill anyone but if I must I would rather do it face to face in a fair fight than something sneaky.. But Alys must go. Regretfully I have set my spymaster the job of arranging an accident for her since the pope will not allow a divorce.
Alongside that I have selected the seduction focus with the hope of siring a quality bastard who I may legitimise for my inheritance. At least I will not be philandering with any close kin, I have some standards. And Alys can hardly complain after what she did.
The ambition I select is Groom an Heir.
After the war is won I’ll get a coronation but there is no hurry as all my vassals love me but the Count of Rhos. And that count will soon become the vassal of Awst when I give Awst my old duchy.
I have invited Barbara Hunfriding a lusty frankish girl genius over from the continent to be my new Court Tutor. She will be the first target of my seductions.
January 835 AD – Eardwulf Bends the Knee
The war is won and Eardwulf bends the knee to me. Great.
He is a bit miffed of course but I win him over by giving him a job on my council as steward.
Brythoniaid is now unambiguously the strongest realm in the British Isles and the other rulers are now feeling threatened. Let them feel threatened but I have no further use for war until I have a coronation and a heir.
I have bedded Barbara and taken her for my lover. Nice.
August 835 AD – Coronation Plans
I am pursuing Clarisant the wife of Reginari the ‘Bold’ one of my most able commanders. She is a lusty lass and has the Vortigern bloodline but I hope her husband does not find out because he is a formidable duelist.
It is about now I put in motion my plans to be coronated. I do not have huge funds for it but I do not want to put it off much longer. I should have a coronation at least as grand as my mother’s one but I may not be able to afford it. So I write to the pope to see how much he wants, perhaps I can afford him.
The pope wants 200 gold coins and I accept. For the ceremony I contemplate living within my means with a dignified ceremony but decide that I really should have a ceremony on the same scale of my mother. So I take out a jew loan and sink it into an extravagant ceremony. I will be able to pay it off soon enough with the revenues I have.
I have successfully bedded Clarisant and also taken her for a lover.
October 835 AD – Coronation
My coronation is concluded, good.
While I have the pope at a hand I ask him again about divorcing my wife. Given all the cash I have just dumped into his voluminous pockets it is not surprising that agrees this time.
This is an excellent result which prompts me to immediately call off the plot on my wife’s life. After all I do not need it now and if it succeeded but became public I would not just be known as a murderer but, given her relation to me, a kinslayer too..
In her place I set a plot against the Duke of Chamavia whom my mother had excommunicated for plotting against me. He plots against me still.
November 835 AD – Revenge of the Cuck
Following my divorce from Alys I contemplate various political marriages I could take. In the end though I just want my lover Barbara for my wife so I marry her instead.
Alys is hanging around still so I make her my new court jester. Given the jokes she has played on me all these years it seems a fitting occupation.
My mistress Clarisant is pregnant. Perhaps I will risk the wrath of her husband and legitimise the child or perhaps not. We will see what happens.
Now I am chasing Valdamerca the widow of the late Duke Gwrfawr of De Reged. The cancer finally got him and now she is all alone. She is marvelously athletic for a woman. What fine bastards she could give me!
Valdamerca plays hard to get but she relents soon enough. Lover number three acquired.
May 836 AD – Guilty Pleasures
It is while pursuing the Duke Awst’s young wife that I am beginning to feel a little shameful about my sexual adventures. I had arranged this marriage for him and his wife is still only barely mature at 16. Yet she is so very clever and has the famous Caradog bloodline. What fine bastards she could give me!
Indeed given that I have named Awst my heir it may come to pass that if I give his wife a son undetected by him then I could have a son inherit kingdom through him. What a funny possibility?
Perhaps I should not feel guilty for seducing his wife for does he not owe to me that much at least? Not only is he married to that delightful girl thanks to me but he is Duke and spymaster because I made him so. A tumble with his wife is a small payment for what I have done for him.
June 836 AD – Laugh it Up Anlaff
Clarisant has given birth to a son. I believe it is mine but Clarisant’s husband Reginari is none the wiser.
The inbred bastard, Anlaff, that my ex-wife Alys gave me has come of age. I should do something with him, but what? For now I fire his mother as court jester and give the job to him. I order his mum to the nunnery. Truth be told I am still mad at what she did to me, so with her gone I will take it out on him. I begin antagonising him.
It is about time I conquered something besides women. Surely I do not want to be remembered only as a fat old lecher with a cruel streak?
Grandfather Gwriad will be known forever as the man who united all the welsh under one crown. My mother will be remembered as a brilliant warrior queen.
My one conquest, not counting the ladies, of Northumbria was really my mother’s too since she started it and it was mostly won by her death.
So it is I resolve to press Awst’s claim upon the Isle of Man, or Manaw as it is known. It is only a little island but one must start somewhere.
July 836 AD – The Last Laugh is on Anlaff
Anlaff the freak has died of being a misshapen freak. Nobody cares.
My army is mustering up in Lancaster before they will march on to Manaw. I will not be going with them, a small island is beneath my attention and I have other conquests in mind. Awst’s wife continues to rebuff me.
October 836 AD – Stubborn Sibling
Manaw is won for Duke Awst. Well that was easy.
I wonder if my half-brother Idnerth would consent to becoming my vassal? No, apparently. How about an alliance just as he had with my mother? No, as well. Hmm..
There just seems something a bit wrong with our family having two independent realms without at least an alliance between us. Yet my brother refuses.
And if our realms were to be united who should be the vassal of whom?
Well am I not the elder of our mother’s sons? Is my realm not the vastly larger? Am I not a true king, anointed by the pope himself? Is not “King” Idnerth really nothing more than an uppity duke? I am not a sire of the legendary line of Karling? Is Idnerth not hardly better than a mere commoner? A drunken one at that.
Surely then it is inevitable that he should become my vassal as I should become his liege. So I am resolved then to forcefully impress upon him his inferior and dependent status.
Casus Belli
I could just force his vassalisation without any pretty blessings from the pope. On the other hand Idnerth is a ruler of very low character and an embarrassment to the holy communion. He recently even fell into a drunken stupor during a church service! So it is that his holiness the pope would be quite willing to grant me his primary title.
If at the end of the war I had his title then I might give it back to him for his profession of loyalty. If I merely forced his vassalisation then I would have to give him something else to sweeten him to his new subordinate situation. So I have decided I will have the pope’s blessing on my claim.
The pope writes back to say he backs my claim and so I declare war upon my brother for Wessex. The timing is good for my brother wars upon Mercia at this time so his forces will be depleted.
I have sent word to all my vassals and my demesne commanders to muster all their forces in Gloucester. My realm is vast though, it will take months for the more far flung troops to arrive there.
November 836 AD – A Pox on Both Our Houses
Finally I have scored with Duke Awst’s young wife Sian after nearly a year of trying. I think about dumping her and moving on but I can not bring myself to let her go! Seemingly something of her did not want to let me go either, she has given me the Lover’s Pox. Oh dear, how I will explain this to the wife?
March 837 AD – Love Lost
While my troops are laying siege to Winchester my charms and I are laying siege to the quilted skirts of the Countess Leofwaru of Northumberland. When I have breached her gates I will see how Anglo-Saxon women taste compared with Welsh, Lombard and Frank.
My wife suspects Sian and warns her off. Was it the pox that gave it away?
I give up on Leofwaru, she is boringly chaste.
August 837 AD – A Royal Heir Incoming
Excellent news, my wife is pregnant.
The war goes well though my commanders are being overly reckless in storming holdings. Casualties are mounting, so I raise another retinue of longbowmen to supplement my forces in the field. If they keep hemorrhaging men I may have to bring in some mercenaries as well.
March 838 AD – Heir Come
A son is born to my wife! Finally a heir of my own loins! My wife has named him Sieffre. The child is a bit sickly though, but my court physician is able to cure him of that. So it is all good.
June 838 AD – Wessex Sundered
Idnerth surrenders. I gain his titles to the counties of Dorset, Winchester and the Isle of Wight as well as the Duchy of Wessex. He remains independent as Petty King of Lloegyr and Count of Wiltshire with the counts of Somerset and Bath vassal to him.
I have taken half his kingdom but I want all of it and I want him. There will be another war but for now I must abide by the truce.
At the signing of the truce the Countess of Bath catches my eye. She is shy and has a stutter but I am not too fussy. Perhaps if I make her my lover I can sow some discord between her and her husband the Count of Somerset?
Demesne Limit
Gaining these new counties puts me over my demesne limit. I would like to grant some counties to a kinsman but there are none particularly worthy who do not already have titles to their name. Alternatively I have some great commanders who would be still more useful landed and also worthy of the honour.
Thus I grant Builth to Reginari ‘The Bold’, not only for his excellence as a commander but also by way of silent apology and compensation for impregnating his wife.
The other commander who I will ennoble is an ambitious cavalry commander called Berthgwyn. To him I grant the Isle of Wight. I also fix him up with a wife whom I will impregnate later.
July 838 AD – Heathen Opportunity
It is now that I pay off the jew loan I took out for my coronation. I also check in with my spymaster on the progress of my plot on the life of the Duke of Chamavia. There is some good news there.
The poor Duke seems to be struggling for staff because he has hired a Germanic heathen for his spymaster. The heathen is an envious malcontent in addition to having a complete contempt for the nominal Catholicism of his liege.
My spymaster has no difficulty in bringing the heathen in on the plot. With the duke’s own spymaster conspiring with us then results should be forthcoming soon.
August 838 AD – Two Countesses and Counting
On a visit to the County of Bath I contrived to meet up and seduce the Countess Emma. Of course she could not resist my charms though she is chaste. She is my lover now. Her liege Idnerth is not liked by her so with her affections for me I fancy that when I next bring war upon Idnerth then her troops will stay in their castles.
When I get back my lover Clarisant, now Countess Clarisant of Builth, has sent me a cypher with news of her pregnancy, likely by me. For a second time we must hope her formidable husband remains duped.
October 838 AD – Cathar Ticks
Surrey is infested with the Cathar heresy. The county is ruled by a “King” Eomeneric II, a nominal king of Kent. He is a Cathar himself and so it is said crazy from the Great Pox. A nice target for a holy war then though my interest here is simply material, I want the land. Thus I declare war upon them.
November 838 AD – Wife Sitting
While my esteemed commander Count Berthgwyn is mustering for Surrey with his fellows I take the opportunity to visit his good lady wife. I hope to see her well satisfied with the assets I have given, and will give, to her.
January 839 AD – Keeping An Eye Out
The main force of my army is en route to Surrey marching through the County of Winchester when it is ambushed by a substantial force of Cathars. It seems that beneath the surface the heresy has taken root in Winchester too. Most distressing.
Mutiliation
The battles in Winchester are won but not without significant casualties. The leader of the Winchester revolt is brought to me in chains. As a lesson to others I have one of his eyes torn out, then release him.
While my army is engaged with the Cathar revolt in Winchester an army of the King of Surrey has marched to my capital of Gloucester to besiege my castle there. It is only a small force, a desperate gamble by a crazy heretic.
I send for my army in Winchester to relieve the garrison in Gloucester.
February 839 AD – The Wight Time
My army arrives in Gloucester and crushes the besieging Cathar force. There is nothing now to stop the occupation of Surrey so my forces march there to finish the war.
Now that I am free to visit again my lady in the Isle of Wight I do so and this time she relents to my seductions. Once I have had her I leave her. She was payment for the County I gave her husband; I need no more from her or him for that.
March 839 AD – Stubborn Traitor
Clarisant’s cuckoo is born but her husband Count Reginari does not suspect a thing.
My vassal King Eardwulf of Northumbria has been uncovered plotting against my life and refused to desist when confronted. This is clear treason. When I am done with Surrey I will be done with him.
June 839 AD – A New Count
The last resistance in Surrey is quashed and all the heretic lords are ousted from their seats. Thus I become title holder to all the holdings in the county. I find worthy persons to take the Bishopric and City there but keep the castle and county capital for myself.
To lighten the administrative burden this new holding places on me I find a kinsman, Cadw, to take over the County of Brycheiniog.
I also find for him a pretty wife whom of course I aim to seduce as payment for the gifts I have bestowed upon him.
With all that sorted it is time to think about what to do with the traitor king in the north, Eardwulf of Northumbria. An arrest is warranted for his crimes against me but he is a powerful lord with many vassals.
If he escapes arrest then he will surely go into rebellion with his vassals. My forces are somewhat diminished from the recent wars so I will hold off for now until some fresh men are recruited.
October 839 AD – A Baby Bath
Dwywai has succumbed to my charms. I leave her now as her husband’s payment to me is sufficient.
I have word from the Countess Emma of Bath that she is carrying my child. Is that my third cuckoo? I am losing track.
Seiffre my trueborn heir has a lavish baptism now. The electors are consequently following my direction and selecting Seiffre to be Tanist.
November 839 AD – A Wrong Wight
Nope, it is four cuckoos at least because the Countess of Wight has given birth and her husband accepted the child as his own.
January 840 AD – A Fistful of Cuckoos
Five cuckoos. Clarisant is now on her third cuckoo bringing the total to at least five.
February 840 AD – Exposed
Six cuckoos, Dwywai Countess of Brycheiniog is carrying but her husband has figured out the child is mine not his. This could get awkward.
April 840 AD – Exposed Again
Seven cuckoos, Valdermerca formerly Duchess of De Reged is with my child. Time will tell if her new husband will accept it. He is landless so who cares if he does not?
May 840 AD – Einion Oblivious
The Countess of Bath, my lover Emma, has given birth and her husband the Count of Somerset accepts the child as his own.
July 840 AD – Cuckoo Nest
A girl, Nest, is born to Dwywai. It is known that I am the real father so I legitimise her though it annoys my wife intensely. One can not please everyone!
October 840 AD – The Other Weapon
While I am waiting for my demesne levies to replenish enough to take on Eardwulf with confidence I aim to seduce his eldest daughter Helga. A body of soldiery is not the only weapon in my arsenal.
November 840 AD – House Broken
I succeed in seducing Helga easily, take her for my lover and lead her back to my court. Once I have her under my roof I get her to break up the matri-lineal betrothal Eardwulf had arranged for her.
Eardwulf was cursed with only daughters, and as Helga is the eldest of them so she stands to inherit Northumbria after him. If I now arrange for her to marry patri-linealy to one of my own house then Northumbria will pass to my house after her.
I match her up with Briog a 12 year old lesser son of my dynasty. Briog would hitherto inherit nothing but I have just fixed it for his children to inherit Northumbria. An elegant revenge is right there. Eardwulf would kill me but I have just killed the future of his house.
February 841 AD – Shaping Up
Barbara is pregnant with our second child. I am inspired to get in shape and I do, no longer am I a fatty.
April 841 AD – Another Bath Baby
Countess Emma of Bath is pregnant with my child again. Cuckoo number eight.
For my next conquest I have my sights set on the wife of the Duke of Cornwall. It is risky cucking the more powerful of my vassals but the good Duke is lacking in quality heirs so in a way it is a service to him.
While I await an opportunity to get the Duke’s wife along I have some administrative chores to attend to. I have decided to give the county of Gwent to an as yet landless and unmarried kinsman called Ffriog, he is a bit dull but brave.
First to find him a wife I have invited a number of quality ladies to my court. I will probably sleep with all of them to be honest but one of them will be his for marriage. Then I will make him a count. May he be grateful and forgiving of my trespasses.
May 841 AD – The Impaler
The three ladies arrive in my court and I marry off the strong looking Lombard girl to Ffriog. Then I make him the Count of Gwent.
Mercia
Somehow my brother Idnerth has lost his County of Wiltshire to the King of Mercia. In its place Idnerth has taken his vassal’s county of Somerset. His duchy is reduced to just two counties now but he still refuses my offer of vassalisation.
This king of Mercia is a pretty nasty character, ‘The Impaler’ they call him. Mercia is the one kingdom of these islands which most approaches the power of mine and is the most in direct competition for the lands of England. Indeed King Impaler has that ambition to be King of England. I wonder which us will be the first to start a war on the other?
July 841 AD – Slim Pickings
Count Berthgwyn has died of dysentery. His one year old son Teilo has inherited the Isle of Wight after . I believe Teilo is one of my undiscovered cuckoos. That is the good news.
The bad news is that a boy of my house, Briog, whom I had betrothed to Helga, the daughter of Northumbria, has died on the toilet. An annoying setback because I need Helga married and breeding with one of my own to ensure Northumbria passes to my house.
Luckily Helga remains at court so I can easily get her married again if I can find a suitable mate. Unluckily for Helga I want to get her with a adult Morgannwg to ensure a heir to Northumbria as soon as possible but pickings at this time are slim.
Out with the New, In with the Old
All I can get for her is the old stuttering lech Athrwys. He is not the best example of a Morgannwg as beside his stutter, being old and landless he is lazy, deceitful and craven. On the plus side for me he is lusty so the chances of a heir by him is better than it might be. I can always help him out with that too…
August 841 AD – Blood Match
A new son of Morgannwg is born to my chancellor and my kinswoman Efa ‘The Lucky’. Through Efa this boy named Ffernfael has the blood of Vortigern. As it happens my legitimised daughter Nest has the Karling blood through me.
Ffernfael and Nest are really quite distantly related to each other though they are both of my dynasty. Thus it should be quite safe to mate them to each other.
Legendary Bloodlines
Once again House Morgannwg will have an opportunity to weave two legendary bloodlines together through a matri-lineal betrothal of Nest to Ffernfael. And so it is arranged. Hopefully it will turn out better than my marriage to Alys.
In other news the Duchess of Cornwall has consented to sleep with me but I will leave it as a one night stand. Following the Duchess I begin courting the attentions of a greek girl Xene ‘The Recluse’ whom I recently invited to court. I think I may groom her as an assassin.
September 841 AD – Casanova
My wife Barbara has birthed a second son for me named Arthen. He is a bit sickly though.
Xene becomes my lover and gets me the Cassanova Steam Achievement.
November 841 AD – Plot Redeployment
The plot against the Duke of Chamavia still makes no progress. He is holed up in his castle from the smallpox so none of my assassins can reach him. I cancel the plot as he is old and do not really need him dead that much.
The Duke of Northumbria is where I want to devote my plots now that his heir Helga is married to one of my own. I arrange to have my lover-assassin Xene married to the duke’s spymaster. And so the plot on the Duke begins.
January 842 AD – Cuckoo Nine
Valermerca is pregnant again with one of my own. Cuckoo number nine.
April 842 AD – Cuckoo Ten
Countess Clarisant is pregnant again with on my own. That is her fourth, the woman is a machine. Cuckoo number ten.
July 841 AD – Lip Stick On My Collar
My eldest son Tanist Sieffre has camp fever. Worrying but I have spares.
My wife Barbara suspects I am nailing Valdamerca. I tearfully confess, ask for forgiveness and break up with Valdamerca.
I do this because I think it might expose the two children I have by her as mine own allowing me to legitimise them.
Valdamerca is a nobody these days having lost her duchy and so his her husband. There is no great loss in losing the former and infuriating the latter.
March 843 AD – Cuckoo Eleven
Helga Eardwulfsdohtor is with child. Mine, though since she is married to another Morgannwg it hardly matters if it does pass for her husband’s child. Except if revealed as mine I will have to legitimise it for it to inherit Northumbria after Helga. Cuckoo number eleven.
The plot against the Duke of Northumbria has decent plot power but there is no sign of progress yet. I am impatient for a result.
Prince Sieffre has recovered from the camp fever.
July 843 AD – Death
My heart, oh my heart! (Thud).
I died. Of stress. I was not even that old, just 48 years. The plot against Northumbria will be canceled by my death which is annoying. If the duke of Northumbria has a son or Helga dies then my scheme to bring Northumbria to my house will come undone.
Oh well there is no sense in dwelling on that now, on to the next life. Now I will be my eldest son Sieffre who is only five years old.
Click here for Chapter 4 of Local Boy Makes Emperor, A United the Kingdoms Run.